Feeling unexpectedly empty i started to drink. This town where i live isn't so bad, but the night calls for an aria of sirens; police, fire, and other, it can be peaceful, but on warm dusks they go on all night.
Maybe it is the music that has me feeling askew. I flipped on a channel of music i used to listen to nearly ravenously when i was younger, like it was part of a misleading ceremony that i couldn't live without; i would take the notes offered and let them fill me and shape my level of regard. My mid 20's were an exceptionally odd time; maybe that's the feeling this music conjures up; all my misunderstandings of myself.
Oddly relaxed, and confused, such a strange combo to feel. It's nearly hollow, this feeling. Like the beginning stages of when one knows they are about to have a headache.
But i came to here to speak of my second trip home. I was kissed. How, why, or who is not the part to reflect on, but where i didn't flinch. In the last 10 years a few girls have tried to kiss me and i have recoiled; not in fear or disgust, but in avoidence. Kissing, to me, always feels charished. And when it's done nearly prefuncatory it twists to an empty gesture. That's where i turn away.
The girl was drunk, which isn't surprising, no one tries to kiss me unless under the influence. I was tipsy but no where near close to drunk, hell i am drunker sitting typing this out than i was then. The kiss wasn't deep, long, or even sensual. It was........friendly. The first one left me stunned, and totally confused; to be honest it kinda pissed me off. There was a point in my mind where i felt taken advantage of, she was sad by her life and i listened, responed, and even gave some advice. At one point to calm her held her hand, which felt like a different empty gesture, and then later she kissed me as if that was a thing to do. It felt like it was my payment for being nice, it made me feel cheap. As if anyone, not me spicifically, but literally anyone else would have received the same "gift". I felt as if i had wasted emotions, my words, and my time only for this act to make her feel better.
But this doesn't even spark the fire of confusion.
I asked for another kiss. And was given another, just as quick and shallow. Immidiately i questioned myself why i did that. Some would say "Because you like being kissed." Thats the thing, i don't when i know when it's an emtpy gesture. When i know it will lead nowhere and it has nothing to do with who i am, i sincerely do not like it.
But i asked for another. That's like a person with a hatred of lizards getting a pet Komodo Dragon.