Illusion Sleep

So what is it that i want to say? I've been awake for a long time now, not anywhere near ridiculous, not the usual ugly turn of my normal insomnia. This time my sleeplessness feels different than that. When sleep eludes my body feels sluggish until my knees, below them my feet feel as if they could walk and walk and never become tired, sometimes they even urge me to see how far we could get. And as this battle goes on, my mind floats around to trying to sleep, to listening to what's on the tv, around to hearing myself think then back to the tv. But here, this time i am just awake. I glanced over all of the tv shows on my computer and for the first time nothing looks interesting; not even something to turn on to sleep to.

My mind tugged at my writing lobe, but there isn't much there. So what is it that i want to say? Something is troubling me, but i have no idea what it is? Am i homesick because i am back "home" but my family is closer but still a good distance away? I have to consider those words as i type them, this is all being read as i write it, but even to me, the person writing doubts the homesickness theory. It could be simple as something like i am just so damned bored my mind is active from the lack of stimulant.

I've been sitting here watching the cursor blink for nearly five minutes, nothing is coming to mind on how to continue. I think i am just really bored and everything to distract me from it doesn't appear interesting. i guess i'll get up and head to the living room and watch tv until i  am no longer paying attention to it in hopes sleep will find me there.

Hi CA

We stepped into our new apartment in the early evening of Aug 20th and it was clear to see for me that i really did miss the California sunsets, for when i stepped into what was going to be my room, even with my window facing north the rays that entered we a ping of nostalgic. For reasons i know that could be explained but i have no wish to truly know, but the sunsets here are pinker than Virginia's. There they are more dark blue, the sun doesn't fight for its light to linger so it easily fades out, leaving a feeling of gloom.

Even though it's only been two weeks in someways i already miss Virginia, for one i miss clouds. It always seemed to be cloudy there, which made for interesting skies to look up into. Here, it's just as i remember it: dead cloudless blue.

I wrote a good amount in my notebook as Ness and I crossed the states something i plan to put in here so i can see them when the notebook itself may be damaged or lost in the ethereal undulating waters of time. But for now my days are filled with gaming, cleaning and making this place a new temporary home before Japan comes screaming in, chewing up all the time i thought i had left to get ready for her. Right now that's my biggest fear; i spent so long just waiting and waiting, not believing it was ever going to happen that when it actually does i won't/don't have enough days to prepare myself for my new adventure. Like skipping out on all my sword practice thinking the final boss would never come to me and my small town, and sure enough he's at the front gate, grinning a green teeth smirk as he darkens my doorstep and knocks.

Bye VA

So few days of Virginia left, and i already know that i will miss the few accomplishments i achieved here.  The cute critters that wander the yards. I can't say for sure if i will miss the Atlantic, i didn't get to know her enough unlike my beloved Pacific, but i suspect somewhere along the blurred line of my retrospect vision there might be a glint of nostalgia for her one day. I will miss the people i met, even if i can't remember near half of the conversations we had or their names. The warm sudden rains, to the cold that tries its most to take your noes but can't reach the depth of frost it would need to do so. I will miss my bar, with one of the best Reuben sandwiches i have had and the always changing stock of beers. I miss my roommate Telly and our sometimes snarky eye to the world.

But mostly i will miss those enchanting firefly filled summer nights.

Pre-departure Syndrome

I have no more than three weeks left here in Virginia and i can tell there will be a melancholy scarf to hang on my neck; which i find odd in a small way. There wasn't a lot i did here, or accomplished, in fact most of if was idle time, but i think i might have stumbled on what it is that paints the bittersweet departure. When i "graduated" 8th grade and was ready to move on to High School, i remember on the last day of Elementary school i was excited, looking forward to school after summer had finished and my childhood freedom was once again returned to the state. As i walked home i made sure to not look back, somehow this little act at that young age was a trend i would continue for awhile intentionally or not, but there in the late June sun i told myself to not look back at what had been my first two years of living in a new town, where i made new friends and started my life in said town for the next 20 years.

When high school had ended and i made the walk back to the very same house i returned to after 8th grade, i didn't look back at the grounds then either. But both times there was a sting of regret, happiness, confusion, and zeal; which i have come to learn is simply described as: bittersweet. When i left California, my family, and my friends a little over a year ago no such sting showed, for i had made sure to squeeze out every enjoyment with everyone in the 6 months before i left; i didn't just left the golden years go by unbeknownst, i knew i was in them. So for my final days in California there was no need to look back, i didn't even think about it, my excitement to get on the plane and land in my new home was a pull strong enough to leave all longing at the sliding door that lead into the airport.

But now, with only three weeks left before i leave Virginia, possibly forever, i can detect that excitement and particular sadness that comes with knowing that life and I will be moving on and i know why. When i left 8th grade and high school i knew there would be a good number of people that i would never in my life see again. And there is someone here in Virginia that has a high probability i may never see again. That is Chantelle, my surrogate sister. The women i have known to close to eleven years and have i lived with for nearly more than half that time.  The sting is back, knowing one of the few women that i love with no sexual intent but purely as devoted protection, may leave my life. Sure, we will my stay in contact but we both know in a room next to each other sharing words, laughs and insults is our truest form.

To be absent from that presents of someone i feel at ease around is a lose not so great as to cry, but smile as i lament the possibility there may never be a time again when we are shoulder to shoulder judging our immediate world in front of us just for the laughs. When her and i say our farewells, the world will be a little less funny.

Ticking.

The official count down of Ness and i leaving Virginia and start anew in San Diego to wait out our last year in the States has begun. Japan is inking closer, yet somehow my enthusiasm hasn't jumped. Our days, these days, tend to be about more frequent chatting on about how we are going to clear the house and what we will be taking and when we should start packing, no action has been taken to actually do any of it as of yet. Mostly due to we don't leave for San Diego until August; so the rush of packing and moving is not needed.
What does have me excited is instead of boxing up our things, sending them to our new home (once we find a place) and then flying; is we plan to throw it all in a moving truck and driving across the country. An excursion i have never done before and one i am looking forward to, since it may be the only time in my life i get to do so. It's the great American road trip, wrote and romanticized by the first beatnik and Godfather of the counter-culture Jack Kerouac.

Heading off subject, or actually starting one; what is it about the road trip that entices American's so much? We have books about them and an over flowing catalog of movies that make them seem exciting and nearly romantic in the very act of moving across long spans of landscape and seeing sunsets over different mountains ranges other than the ones you grow up around. "To travel is joy. Passing witness of a rock, a river and a mountain in the beating heart of ones country is near the expression of love of seeing the adventure of life." A passage i once read in a book, who's title i have forgotten, yet i see what the author intended, but at the very heart: i don't. I lived in California, in the very middle of it and to get anywhere of real substance you will have to travel over an hour or three to get there. And i can say for myself only, that after the first thirty minutes i am already wishing our destination was closer. But i feel that is because i had been on those same roads numerous times. To this day i could drive from my hometown to my old home in Fremont without any reference as a map or a GPS, even if they changed the signs or closed down one of the major freeways, i could still manage to get there through other means than the main path. Digress.

Back when i traveled from CA to Salt Lake City for a wedding i was truly excited, for one at the time it was the furthest east i would have ever traveled, where before it was Death Valley. Once i had come down from the Sierra mountains and the long, lonely expanse of the desert opened up and then the ocean of the salt flats; i was ready to stop moving and just get to where we were going. I feel that somewhere on the road back to CA that will happen, that somewhere during our days on the road the excitement will cease and my longing to see the Pacific, to recognize her lovely curve of California's frame will grow to a thirst for our drive to end.

For man that has been waiting for more than two years to get things moving along; traveling is just more waiting, it may be waiting while moving forward, but i have seen the landscape, gazed at all the sights here it's time i see the next destination before we get to the last one.

The "story" of us.

A chill still runs down my spine when i remember that kiss. And not the real one, but the one i dreamed up; the one i wished had happened, the one that was perfect, the one that had meant something if only that something was for research, the experiment used and done for a legitimate reason as research. But much like everything the fake one is far more remembered than the real; the one i asked for, the one i asked to have again to help describe to no one. The tale i remember around the real, is far more odd than what had happened.

But somehow, i do not regret the real. It's the dream that makes me not hate the real. We kissed, i asked for another in that moment to help describe it later; in that moment i left my eyes open to burn the segment into the forgettable part of my head.

I told the tale from the part i made up, but both the fictitious and the real stick with me. I would prefer that the tall tale i made for us would stick more.

I love the fake part of us.

It's something at least.

I had intentions to post something else here, something already prepared, written and even edited, but once i stepped back into this place (my computer screen) my mind thought of something else: "an update" on my actual life. So here it is as plain as it's going to get.

My thanksgiving was spent with Telly and Ness, as was my Christmas eve and day, on the Eve Telly played World or Warcraft and both watched as i tried to play Super Mario World and continuously die. We had a good laugh, one of the more satisfying Christmas Eve's i have spent in a long time. I do miss my family and friends in CA, but luckily it hasn't gotten any harder missing them, though it hasn't gotten easier.

After the New Year i plan to really buckle down on my schooling considering Japan has gotten closer with the very real possibility that Ness and i will be going. I try not to think about it too much during the day, for fear that i get my hopes up too much and have it fail; Ness reassures me that we are going, but the doubt is there. At night it is different, i dream of Japan right before sleep comes in. This troubled me when i first started these pages, as if i was casting a delusion on myself, but that has slipped away, now it feels more as if i am actually preparing my heart for the change, for the upcoming adventure.

The rest of the time is filled with waiting for Japan, work, playing video games, waiting for other games to come out, being silly with Telly, drinking with Ness and preparing for the move, at this stage it's just verbal planning and that's about it.

This year (2013) has been one of the more pleasurable years in a long, long, god awfully long time.

I feel pretty damn good.