The time rang

Easily...

It has been easily 10 years since the last time i felt jealous; of anything. Here i stand, sad and free and have that old demon squat on my shoulders. And i dont have any idea why he is back.

They aren't getting anything i have not experienced before, what they are expressing is not new to me, but my thoughts reflect that i wish for it again. To go through that emotional turmoil, to convey which i can not through words, but action. To tangle myself in another. To be free and bound.

I feel nauseous. It makes me nauseous. My god, i hate it. Have i not learned my lesson yet?

Can't i skip it? Can't this be past over?

I never get a second look. Just a bad, but fun-filled day. I smiled, i laughed, with everything i have, only to have it crash, and leave me with the pleasantness of a day well spent, and the sickness that i'm missing out on the important stuff.

Stuff, i gave up on; that i thought wasn't for me, that i thought i didnt need or want, but the brute of a sensation reminds me of what i cut off. The itch of a phantom limb.

Dislike fills me. I am suppose to not be this way, i ridicule those that have this reaction.

Fantastic, i am no better than they. The one and only thing i could hold up and say; the thing i was proud of; to find i am no better this one time. THIS one time, i am no better.

Have i really not learned my lesson? Can i not move on? i am continuously being forced to continue to go through this by those that don't romantically see me. Their selfishness stops my own selfishness.

The balance is off and the equivalent exchange is off by pounds, but i have to move; not forward just ahead. There is no destination for me in this. Just move along and just hope, and that is wearing very fuckin' thin.

Time repeats.

What is there for me to do? Finding myself once again living is a situation that is predicated on the fledgling feelings of two sporadic and seemingly none committed people, is not where i like to find myself. Do i hope them the best? Oh, that goes without question. Even with all i have said and or with all i have thought out loud; without love, what is the purpose of living? Sure, do i have a small disdain for things like "love" and "romance", you bet your ass i do, as far as i am concerned that shit is dead. And has been for a long time. Movies and hallmark cards have forever ruin the simple concept of love and have twisted it into this grotesque and unrecognizable creature AND that is the concept of love that i hate. I mean what ever happened to the idea of laying it bare and leaving it at that? What's with all the "saving" and always being there? Why does everyone ALWAYS need constant proof of such an strong emotion? Why don't simple words work anymore and why does it always have to be "proven"? I simply do not understand and it's fuckin' moronic.

Digress.

That particular feeling of being left in the wind has taken over and i'm trouble by this. How much longer do i have before this crashes around my ears and i'm left smiling as my world falls apart around me and i once again lose to someone else's whims? I've done this so many times, and i've been hurt by it far too many times, and at the end all i can do is smile at once again i was right, and that pain-filled smirk squirms across my face and i'm left with the satisfaction of both being right and filled with hurt.

It makes me feel like a villain. A villain that has actually completed his plans to destroy the world; I have done what i set out to do, but by god what have i done? Being right and hurt by being right is one of the more agonizing sensations there is. I'll take being cheated on by the girl i love, i'll take being tortured for information that i don't have; hell i even take the gut-retching info the girl i love doesn't love me, over the sensation of being right and being hurt by it. Being right is suppose to feel good. But when it comes to this kind of shit i dislike it.

The feeling that my plans are in jeopardy is the worst. But i fear for a friend of what i know to be true will hurt him. The next few months will either suck as they did when i first moved out of my parents house and i lost all those good, and just, friends but managed to keep a few, and i had to rewrite my life to what i thought was the good life and i was left almost homeless and penny-less but at least in the end i was right. Hahahaha! But i'm not 22 anymore, it's been nearly ten years since then; my hope is that time does not repeat itself. That was a hurt-filled time, not something i wish to go back to. But by god how i was right all along and how it hurt so much.

Wish fulfillment.

I dreamt of Japan again last night. And it's always such a lonely but blissful time in the dream. I'm always by myself when i dream up this place, but i'm i don't feel it. And i'm always walking and following music. Either i'm heading towards it or it's just with me, but music is always near my ear, but it's never a song i recognize. A premonition? Or just my mind conjuring what it hopes will happen?

There is no telling for now. But i wish to see those sights and hear those songs again.

Here.

I am 31. Have been for two days.

it seems to be such an arbitrary distinction to make myself to be. As thou this age has no meaning. And to be honest it really doesn't. But the only way this age seems meaningful to me is that i'm now older than most of the characters that i write.

For years my stories have been of young men in their late twenties, that are alone in someway. Be it a choice of solitude, or from some meaningful relationship with a friend or loved one. And the part that always made me laugh in derision at my own odd little stupidity is: i've never been alone. Except for now. And it doesn't make me as sad as i always thought it might. I dont feel anywhere near what i projected onto my characters or what i thought i might feel.

The realization of being alone came when i started my new job at a video game store and my boss asked me to put someone down as my emergency contact, i thought of my roommate, Ness, but with him somewhere on the other side of the world, he'd be less than useless if say, i broke my arm. (Knock on wood.) Yes, Ness will be back in a few months and we'll live in this dog piss stained house for awhile, but for now i have no one. And i had to tell my boss so. My words to him were: "I dont really have anyone to put down. I honestly dont have a friend within 2000 miles." My boss (who i think is only 2 to 3 years younger than me) gave me a sad little look, which i found comical, i told him so too.

But i'm not sad, or feel abandoned, i'm never far from contact from anyone in California. Plus, the major thing that keeps my head up is the fact at anytime if i so deem Virginia to be inhabitable pretty much everyone in CA would welcome me back. My parents have told me numerous times if i need to "come home" they'll let me in, and so has a few friends. It's an offer that i truly love and am grateful for, but it's my hope that i never have to take them up on it.

The Nocturnal Repose Retenchment

Sleep once again leaves me to be open and alert. I had almost reached the warm, dark shore of sleep; a wave of memories and instances pushed me back to the sand and here i stand awake and dreaming of sleep.

The last two weeks i've been battling my night-owlish tendencies  but it has been a terrible and ill-wrought war. Tonight i might, if i can find enough activities to help my mind stay alert enough, stay awake until night falls again. But i think once the sun smiles on my window my mind will cease it's childish tamper tantrum to stay awake.

I really am kind tired.

The Missing Observation

It's been odd the things i've noticed about this place that differ than my old home in California, for one not many planes fly over my house. In CA it seemed every morning (or in my case of being a night-owl, early afternoon) when i stepped outside to get some fresh air or, when i still smoked, get some not so fresh air, i could always count on seeing lines of vapor trails left from aircraft no longer there. One of the biggest is no one here during the day leaves their garage open as they work a project and have classic rock music blaring from their radio; maybe this might change when the weather warms up a little more. But for now it's just such a small thing but i noticed it when i left the door open to let some air out when it was nice the other day and i was met with human silence and greeted by natures noise; birds singing and the hollow sound of wind in my ears. I'm not sure if i miss it or i just noticed the obscene of it.

One thing that does bother me is my music. Everyone song that i have on my playlist is nearly a small reminder of my time in California. My The Rentals album has always reminded me of San Jose and going to visit Aaron M. My Nujabes playlist recalls my time when i first got the albums back living with Mike, Telly and Icarus. And of course my Samurai Champloo soundtrack has major hints to Irene, the Kia driving to work and Genesis.

I'm not lonely yet, i'm trying my best to keep such an emotion at bay, but i've just been noticing the things that are missing and/or different.

I've also started my class for my English Certificate, so far after my first quiz i'm averaging a C+. God, i'm such a terrible tester.

Relocation.

It's nearly been a week since i left California for my new home in Virginia; and so far nothing feels completely out of place. Which in a way saddens me more than if it felt there were pieces of me missing. I was fully expecting for the first few days to feel excitement mixed with that special kind of loneliness that comes from leaving your home. But that never happened. To me it still feels as if all my friends are living down the street but are currently too busy to come by and say hi, as hard, and weird as it is for me to say, but, i don't miss anything.

There is no loneliness  Only wonderment of when the next part of this journey begins and i'll be making one of these entries from under a Japanese rain storm.

I'm sure that my heart will ache for my friends that i expected it to during my first week. But for now my mind is too busy trying to remember the roads to where the stores are, restaurants, the bar and video game outlet. Not to mention getting my room set up to where i like it and cleaning everything. I've never viewed myself as a "clean-freak" but after the amount of deep cleaning i did in the bathroom, i'm starting to believe a part of me might in some small sense be in fact a person in this category.

But for now, sleep must come; i have a day of job hunting tomorrow.