Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Midnight Pictures

i dreamt of high school.

That sentence along with the actual circumstances that orbit it can easily be deemed as ridiculous, well for me anyway. I can't say for most, but i don't really reflect on my 4 year tour of limbo. Mainly because there was only one year that was amazing (junior). There are a few i imagine would describe it as either of the usual spectrum of "good" or "bad", for me: i floated through.

Mostly, if i ever really say i do, i like to think back on the years after high school, almost the year directly after. So to find myself considering or even weirder yet, to dream of that time is truly odd. The odder part was i had all my knowledge, my 32 year old self placed into my (i'm guessing) 17 year old body. I remember thinking i wanted to make sure everything would stay the same for when i returned to my time. Which meant i would make sure that all my mistakes were redone in proper time and order and my resolve to purposefully redo some of those questionable actions did not falter. To make sure i would be friends with the people i know now and that my life with my family would go unchanged i was more than willing to do wrong.

I purposefully cheated a few times and strayed from the path i walked all those years ago and went to go see people i hadn't in years. I spoke with my friend's sister Bobby for no other reason but to say "Hello." I searched for Mike, whom i didn't really know in high school just to see what he looked like then, he actually had hair. After school was out i ran to my usual meeting place with Genesis, the old grump was there begrudgingly waiting for me so we could walk home as i chatted "at" him, not "to" him, but "at" him. The boy at that time very rarely spoke. As we headed home i think i was uncharacteristically quiet for G asked why i was being quiet. As i considered his question i realized i wanted to tell him everything about his life for the next 15 years. That his road ahead was not going to be easy, that everything from then on was going to deliver him to the brink and not often would he be able to come back. I wanted to warn him, shield him, do all what i felt was reasonable to save him from himself. But lessons aren't learned that way. I decided to trust his future self when i got back to my time that he would/will find his strength. i wanted to pray.

Sometime after i met up with Josh, Billy, Aaron, Betty, James and a few i can't remember (or at least my dream self couldn't) and old times were had. Again i think i was uncharacteristically silent; they asked me "what's wrong?", i was busy studying them, remembering the future them and my place with some of them 15 years from then and watched as their usual mannerisms and idiosyncrasy's played out as i narrated their patterns right before they did them. Strangely seeing them was bittersweet at this age, i missed them from my time. They were good here, i am/was glad i knew them then, but they were/are great later.

Lastly, i saw Ashley again. This was shocking considering i hadn't expected to see her, hell even my 32 year old brain that had been calling all the shots knowing exactly where we had to go, do, and say, wasn't ready for the blindsiding that was this event. We could not remember if we had actually met with her at that time, it wasn't on the itinerary to get back to ourselves.

We spoke as i walked with her to some place with no destination. Well, she spoke, i listened and of course was asked "what's wrong?" when my silent studying seemed off to her. i have no hang ups for her, i remember thinking. She was a pleasant girl that had the misfortune of actually dating me. She was another with a hard future, but considering i hadn't spoken to her in nearly 5 years from my time, i truly don't know how hard or pleasant it is/was. We walked along a park near her home (one i think that is still there to this day) and we took a seat on the mini merry go round and a song that i wouldn't hear for 13 years but was made 20 years ago played in my head. That very thought of knowing a song i would hear much later even though it currently already existed made me feel very old and scared for my future-self. Did knowing this song mean i was on the right track? If i did something that wasn't quite right would i start to lose my memories from my own time? I would i not meet Sarah: the water bringer of my once dry soul? Telly: the appointed sister, fellow comrade in sarcasm. Irene: the watch-guard, always being distant but loving; forever eyeing my best interests. A multitude of others leaped into my head, Lil'Sarah, Kyle, Kali, Brady, Carla, Natalie, just so many jumbled into the dark spot behind my eyes.

Panic filled my stomach, sweat poured from my temples and i could almost feel the blood rushing around my body. I breathed off the pain and continued on.

I broke off the conversation here and walked Ashley back to her (then) home. I didn't kiss her, somehow her being 16 and my mind being 32 it felt odd, plus i think that would still play to my then character. Younger William would have stayed the polite route, well polite/inexperienced, either way it wasn't going to throw off the time line.

Much later i woke up in real life feeling old and even though i haven't had a drink in almost three weeks i felt what could have been a hangover. I got on the rest of the day glad my life had returned and that it had been a dream. i never bother questioning dreams, i think of them as nothing more than nighttime movies your mind comes up with to entertain itself. But this one, this one in particular i considered far longer than i do on most.

I mean, hell, i took the two hours to write it all down and place it here so i don't forget this one. This one showed me that for all of the bullshit i went through and put myself into, so far it has all been worth it because of the people i met, know and love. There is a part of me in the corners that i could easily take the role of the villain to maintain my loves; that is both monstrous and comforting.