further advancements on how i'm not funny

Maybe it's all the TV and movies i watch but i always knew that those "only funny in real life, but not really in TV" finally happened to me. For an example of "Only funny in real life" or "OFRL": people talking in unison, or someone shouting at a door after someone has slammed it in their face. My little experience falls into the latter of the examples.

Jessica, or Jess as her moniker from Bryan, is a friend of the said person; and rapidly approaching close acquaintance in my case, is a short, feisty woman of, i'm guessing, 27; in this case feisty falls into the closer association of "bossy", but falls much closer to assertive and/or strong willed. In Jess's case i'm willing to over look this quirk because i don't necessarily dislike her for it. It could be because she actually enjoys my odd company, and even though she can be intimidating in that motherly kind of way, i don't really shy from her. But more than likely it's that odd blend of assertiveness and beauty that i don't automatically write her of; actually it's because she bosses Bryan around and doesn't take any of his guff (a word i dislike, but in this case, Bryan doesn't really shell out "shit" but more of "guff"). There is a soft spot in me for women who have a no nonsense feel about them.

I digress.

While at the grocery store buying my lunch for work someone walked up behind me and slapped me with something on my shoulder, when i turned to look my attacker was holding a magazine in front of their face so i could not see. And my instant judgement of the assailant said, "Female, 5'5" or 5'6", mid 20's, sharp dresser, buxom, comfy boots" then my brain shouted "You don't know her! Run! She's probably someone you went to high school with! And now you'll have to have a the small talk about what you guys are doing now and more than likely she has kids and she's dying to show them to you!"

My relief couldn't of been measured when the magazine lowered exposing the bright smile of Jess. We exchanged salutations and we chatted as i continued to shop. "So you're coming home right?" She asked as we were approached the freezer food section.

"Nope, sorry, i gotta work," i said and nodded at the pretty woman that was handing out free samples of a flavor thing of Jose Curervo, which i was sure tasted like sugary poison.

"No you're not. You're coming home because we are making Jell-O shots," Her matter of fact voice as her default.

I thought about the fun possibilities there, but work was close and it'd be a real dick move to call in sick ten minutes before i had to be there. "Sorry, i really can't. Even though that does sound awesome."

"So we have berry and peach flavored vodka for tomorrow night, which juice would go best you think?" She lead me over to the cold case where the milk and OJ are stored.

Scanning the bottles i noted all the different kinds of OJ, orange with pineapple and peach, orange with mango, strawberry and papaya. "What the fuck happened with just fuckin' orange juice." i thought. "That one might be good with the peach vodka."

"Okay, that sounds good. Let's get that," she said, "And then bring it to the house. Oh and also pay for it. Well Bryan's waiting for me, so i gotta go. Bye."

Flabbergasted, i stared at her back, then shouted, "Wait, you can't boss me around we aren't dating!" She continued to wave as she rounded a corner and disappeared into an aisle. I looked over and saw the Jose Curervo woman looking at me, an expression of amusement on her face. "Woman," i said to her with an eye-roll. She nodded as to say, "Yeah, i know what you mean."

After i walked away i kinda laughed at myself, thinking how in real life shit like this is kinda funny, but i never laugh at it in movies, but i see other people laughing at all the time. Then i thought: my life is a movie that not even i would laugh at. I take great comfort in that.

The sleep of a hater

If it wasn't for the convenience of the Gregorian calender, there'd be no indication that Fall was here, the weather outside says that season is far, far away. It's bright, sunny, warm; even the trees in the backyard have no color on them. The nights are getting colder which is the only sign a new season is here, but the cold also leads to me having troubling dreams. I can't call them nightmares, they are too simplistic in their psychological attempts to bugger me. It makes me upset that the perfect shit storm of a sleeping brain movie is to set up a situation in where i put forth too much effort only to have it fall apart in the end. That is my nightmare, that is my fear.

Monsters use to roam my mind in the darkened hours of the day, but as i grew older my mind begin to fight back the phantoms that ruled there. My last monster dream was somewhere in my young teens, being chased and tired of running, i turned to face my pursuer, fighting my fear and the urine that wanted to soak my pants, i faced the monster head on; only to find there was no such beast. Just me running in a dream not getting anywhere. When i awoke i remembered the lesson of that sleep movie: there are no monsters that aren't human.

Which is now the newest theme my mind plagues me with on colder nights. It might seem odd to only have a certain part of the year where you know you're going to have troubling dreams, but i figured out why; in the summer it's always too hot to sleep, and even though i do get the amount of rest that i need i never fall deep enough to dream. This could be ridiculously false, but you have to admit it does sound like it rings true.

My figurative beast that troubled my sleep came into the from of a situation i loathe being in: infatuation. I met a girl in my dream (never seen her before in real life, after waking i realized she was a composite of several different women that i knew or had crushes on during Elementary and High School) we hung out at a party i went to, we conversed, we teased, we connected; i smiled, i laughed, i loathed. And i hated it because my dream self saw what was coming and when the collision of the happens were coming to a point i was going to get bowled over in the worst way. And because this was a nightmare, i had no way of fighting it, and sure enough i put effort into building a relationship with this phantom woman, and none of what i was doing offended her, in fact she welcomed the friendly advances to maybe move to something a little more serious. I saw the road, i saw the hurt and despoilment ahead, there was nothing to avoid it. The more we talked the more i became entrapped, and swooned. My mouth said words i wanted to believe, as my brain screamed to cut it out. She in turn expressed verbal interest; i agreed, we dated, i was happy, even with foreseeing that it wasn't going to end well.

And as predicable as any book written after 2008, the worst outcome came to fruition. The interest in her eyes for me died harder than Old Marley. Many of the details here are vague, but there was one point where i was sitting at her table in her apartment with three other guys and her. She was explaining to each of us why she dated us and why she was calling if off. The first man, who's name i do not know was told she enjoyed his outgoing nature and of course his in-shaped physic. The next one, who's name was David, was told she enjoyed his polite and intelligent way of speaking, that he was interesting and fun to be around and their sex was interesting as equally fun. At this point, i had a feeling i was going to be told the words "funny" and "genuine". All of the adventures i had with her beforehand were fantastic, i felt like i haven't in a number of years. I truly liked this girl, and everything for the past week leading up to this strange meeting was agony. When i first saw her disinterest the first thing i did when i got home was step into my room and i sank to the floor as slow as a ice statue in July. I curled there on the floor next to my bed and openly wept, the pain was so intense in my heart i couldn't stifle my sobs, they smashed out of my lungs and i wailed. But the next day i continued on with business as usual, as if i didn't notice her beginnings of dismissal. After she called things off, i once again broke down, but i couldn't get to my room, i did it right after i closed the door. (In the dream i lived alone.) So the meeting is underway and i'm remembering all this events; I'm keeping calm and i'm looking forward being told sweet things to soothe me before she dismisses me completely and i leave her apartment probably never to see her again. She turns toward me looks at me more deeply she had in the last two weeks and says, "You were just a replacement."

The sting in my heart is intense enough to blur my vision. "I wasn't important at all?" I ask knowing perfectly well that i wasn't. "No." she answers flatly. I stand, i apologize to her for not being more important and shake the hands of the other men and tell them goodbye, i leave. The sun is warm, the birds chirp, the bees buzz near open flowers, music plays from an unseen radio and i fall apart inside.

I woke up angry. Not at her, but at myself for being lead by the nose down that path. I knew better, and i still fell into another relationship with my heart on my sleeve. A practice i said i would never do again and haven't in eight years; in real life or dream sequence. But here it is bothering my sleep, performing a new nightmare to laugh at me with. But goddamn do i hate my mind when i sleep and intimate relationships in real life.