Friday, December 2, 2011

Later than i thought.

A month. Over a month, since i last came here and wrote something, anything worth saying. A month full of the same thing, a month full of running round going only there and back. Except for one i left the trail and ended up outside of my usual grind:

A friend of mine had some leave from the Navy and came all the way from Virginia and decided to crash at my place for awhile, it was pretty nice to see him. We went to San Francisco to eat at our favorite sushi place, but just like the last two times we went they were closed once again for the holidays, so we went to our new stand by sushi place and ordered some udon. Stopped by the Fireside bar down the street from there and i got pretty tipsy. The bartender made me a screwdriver that was 2/3 vodka and then a splash of orange juice then only charged me half-price, gave me a free shot of my choice. By the time we were on Bart heading home, my tipsy nature turned toward tired and i fell asleep.

On the way home he warned me we had to head to Stockton and sign a few papers for his lawyer. To finalize the beginning stages of his divorce from my best-friend/ex-girl friend. He said he was sorry, but i shrugged and shook my head, "Don't worry about it."

"I just feel bad that it came to this, you know?" He said when the lawyer stepped away to get something from a file in the next room.

"At least it's a movement forward," i said and continued to stand over by the window. I thought about their (i can't really call it a relationship, it was more like they were just existing with each other) for the last two months and i thought about how this was long over due. I love them both, but i disliked his hesitation to call off the marriage because of the lingering feels he had, when it was obvious it wasn't mutual and i really hated her indecisiveness to get a divorce because of her religious obligations. But how are you going to be married but emotionally separated and have a boyfriend? In our last phone conversation i mentioned "having her cake and eating it too", which she wasn't totally happy about. But i let her anger slid past because she only calls me by that nickname of hers' when she's mad at me but knows i'm right.

From the lawyers back home, he asked of my own relationship status which i only shrugged. I thought about telling him of my dealings with Sarah, but even in my head the situation there read like a high school drama play, acted by people taking themselves far too seriously. Plus, even if the man is my friend he's not one i enjoy speaking to about my problems; all his answers come out from a region i'm not familiar with. We are talking about a semi-womanizing, self-important, nice guy opposing as an asshole and vice versa, soon to be divorcee, giving advice to a directionless, unsympathetic, humanitarian misanthrope, idiot, who's only real redeeming quality is he can only speak the truth, no matter how harsh, even more so when it's about himself. It's just not a mixture for good planning. So i decided to keep it to myself and said, "Nothing, on the horizon. And probably won't be for a long time."

"Why not?" he said switching the radio station again.

I thought about switching the subject, but in my personalized sorta of way, where i'm making it perfectly clear that i'm not trying to sneakingly pass this conversation, but blatantly refusing to talk about it, in a polite manner. I thought about giving the "jar a few pennies", a saying i once heard from someone far older and wiser, meaning: giving a little but not all. I also thought about saying what i always think when i hear people break up; this was the choice i went with, "Because i don't see the point. I'm only sorta happy with my life, things could be better, but they could be a whole fuck-ton worse. I have clothes on my back, a roof over my head, food in my stomach and i live with some of the greatest people i know. And yet somehow, somehow, i'm still slightly unhappy. My unhappiness is selfish and moronic, and it pisses me off that even though i know all that, i still can't help but feel that way. And i want to drag someone else into this miserable bullshit that is, not just my life, but at it's very core: me. Yeah, no thanks. Putting another person in the position of lead designer of my happiness is not fair and pretty damn stupid if you ask me. Making one person the sole source of ones happiness, that's just pathetic and not to mention a huge burden for that person."

I took a deep breath and stared forward having realized that much of what i said probably struck home for him. We both knew i just criticized several things he had done. But i wasn't afraid that he'd yell at me, i've heard him yell before and he had nothing on my father, or my grandfather for that matter. But instead he nodded and said, "Yeah, that's true."

Later that week, i got drunk with my roommates and stole a street sign like we were teenagers. I played wingman for one of my roommates as best i could and dismissed Sarah's when she got mad at me for not answering when she said she missed me. "He snores so loud. He wasn't going anything wrong. Just felt like i was gonna scream so i left and went home. And i miss you."

"Yeah, hearing someone snore for a long time is pretty annoying. Miss me, why? It's not like i'm that interesting. I work and then play video games, what's there to miss?" i said with a little laugh.

"Damn it. For ONCE could you just say you miss miss me back? I haven't seen you in a long time," she said folding her arms, playing the part of a disapproving mother.

It's been a week, i thought about saying. What came out of my mouth was: "But saying it after being told to say it kinda cheapens the sentiment behind it."

She nodded, "Yeah, it kinda does."

2012 is going to be a long year.

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