Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The heart's fury.

2012, easily the best beginning i've had to a year in a long, long time. Got laid for the first time in a well let's just say for a long while. I finally have a clear view of what i wish to do; in the career market that is, and i've started P90-X.

But with all this self improvement bullshit going on, other area's have taken a huge hit. Call it collateral damage to the soon to be re-formed making of a new (but i wouldn't say "improved") Me. Area's that have taken a major hit are: money, my writing, video games and my reading. Luckily, my enjoyment hasn't truly wavered. I won't say that i'm happy, but there is a sense of gladness. Even if it's constantly being beaten down not only at my own apprehension of having a natural smile, but the worry for a friend who nearly decided to take his own life. I've been scared, and i've been worried, but never has it been intense.

After getting insanely drunk and playing some music that i thought would help my deeply hidden articulate being finally reveal itself, i wrote this letter to my friend:

"Even with the delicate mixture of brotherly love, father like protection and the over all warm stillness of a heart flooding with admiration, i truly can't find the right words to say in regards of the courage, testicular fortitude and determined recovery that i've seen in you these past few years. The character you've displayed pains me with knowing how cowardly i've been and how selfish i am.

 I will confess that i've written off most of what i've heard from you and seen on your facebook (before your hospitalization) as longingly over the top Emo bullcrap. But the 360 my mind took when you came down that day is one i wont be forgetting for a long time. Nothing in my life so far has made me reel back so mentally that i actually lost what to think, say, or even find a spark of humor in the situation. The real William, sat there those five minutes; as raw, as forthcoming, as quiet and fearful as he could be, wondering what was going to happen to his life and by extension of his friend. With the devastating wake up call that exploded in the place behind my eyes, all i could manage was a vague and nearly meaningless nod of my head, to represent that i was there and listening. But that was all i could manage.

 There is a pride that i have, a small piece; if it were to manifest itself into an object most would see a small shard of broken glass, but to me it's a reflection of the mirror that was once my youth and if tilted in the correct light would reveal my one special piece of pride: having the right mindset to befriend someone who treated me so badly that first day, of not giving up and making myself known to someone who clearly wanted nothing to do with me. It's pride the first and nearly that last time i can recall that my character as a selfish, loud mouth, S.O.B managed to pay out of once. And that decision to make you be my friend has payed back ten fold over the years. It's a decision i have yet to regret. If things continue to progress as they have over the last ten years, then i don't see my decision that day as a bad one.

There isn't much i can say that life will get better; that at the end is all the wealth and well deserved things good people get to collect at the hard, jagged path of living, but i can say i've seen the uselessness of what most call life. And if everything i've witness through my years has taught me is: there is no grand prize at the end, you don't pass go, you don't collect $200. You sleep and the universe continues....the end.

 Life, love, loathing, playing, reading, tv, and all that we let ourselves believe to be living is a joke. Worst yet is it's a joke with no punchline. But i'll be damned if i'm going to let the joke run it's course on me. I plan to see it through and hope upon hope that death takes me long after i've wished for it. I plan to fight till the very damned end of the little flame that is my life whispers out. I don't know your plans of the next few years, fuck, i don't even know my own, but i do know that i don't want two things: 1) i don't want to toss you platitudes believing you'll just be/feel/know you're better than the person you think you are. 2) that my life could have been more fulfilling and richer IF you were there.

I fucking hate platitudes they are the dismal hand finisher of a fantastic blowjob. Unlike most of the people you know i can hold a fuckin' conversation with out lazy, catchy words and be as real as i feel is needed during any conversation. You are better than you believe and i know that my life has been richer from you living and it has continued to prove that over and over when you start another year of life. I have thought many times of the big bow out. To collect the last of the applause, smile, wave goodbye, walk off the stage and disappear into obscurity. Few things have kept this bag of bile and bones moving along, and if i were to itemize the list of things that tie me to this earth your name would be there, right between "have sex one more time" and "see how far video games will advance".

 We have much more wine to drink my friend, there are conversation to be had and plenty more meals to be consumed together as friends, as family, as brothers. It's going to get harder here on out, but i will swear to any deity you love that i will do my damnest to prove to you that life is to be admired for it's obscurity as much as it's uselessness. Each day you live, is proof of growth, proof that you are mightier than you believe you are. That you fight which is truly meaningless, to prove that nothing in the long run can fault you. As a brother i will stand to see it through.

 You are loved. It may not be the kind you wish, but it's there."

After i sobered up, i found that on my computer with a little box indicating that the person had received it. My words in that letter might not seem like anything to you, but to me, those words are ME. I have never spoken that plainly before. Not to a friend, or my parents or even in my own writing. Those paragraphs above are the fear-filled me, there is no hubris in my words, just the plain and very real fear of losing. The loss of the person i think is myself, my friend, my beliefs on what is and is not. I'm scared. All in all, when it comes down to it, i'm scared. But my fear doesn't have a name or at least i don't know what to call it.

i wish to make 2012 the year i no longer exist. To take the William i know, the one i both hate and love and see if i can't make him into something.....else. I don't know what, but i just want to be me but something, else. Something, just more. No more wishing, no more pretending. It's time to do. And i started it by: when people ask me to go somewhere, i no longer say "no". i groan and then follow along. So far i've gotten drunk for free and had a blast, met a few nice people, and rediscovered my love for specialty grocery stores and have been working out. My fear grows because i don't know what kind of person i'll be at the end of this. I just hope he doesn't regret the me that exists now.

I think i'm done drinking. So no more writing for now.

No comments:

Post a Comment