Saturday, October 27, 2012

further advancements on how i'm not funny

Maybe it's all the TV and movies i watch but i always knew that those "only funny in real life, but not really in TV" finally happened to me. For an example of "Only funny in real life" or "OFRL": people talking in unison, or someone shouting at a door after someone has slammed it in their face. My little experience falls into the latter of the examples.

Jessica, or Jess as her moniker from Bryan, is a friend of the said person; and rapidly approaching close acquaintance in my case, is a short, feisty woman of, i'm guessing, 27; in this case feisty falls into the closer association of "bossy", but falls much closer to assertive and/or strong willed. In Jess's case i'm willing to over look this quirk because i don't necessarily dislike her for it. It could be because she actually enjoys my odd company, and even though she can be intimidating in that motherly kind of way, i don't really shy from her. But more than likely it's that odd blend of assertiveness and beauty that i don't automatically write her of; actually it's because she bosses Bryan around and doesn't take any of his guff (a word i dislike, but in this case, Bryan doesn't really shell out "shit" but more of "guff"). There is a soft spot in me for women who have a no nonsense feel about them.

I digress.

While at the grocery store buying my lunch for work someone walked up behind me and slapped me with something on my shoulder, when i turned to look my attacker was holding a magazine in front of their face so i could not see. And my instant judgement of the assailant said, "Female, 5'5" or 5'6", mid 20's, sharp dresser, buxom, comfy boots" then my brain shouted "You don't know her! Run! She's probably someone you went to high school with! And now you'll have to have a the small talk about what you guys are doing now and more than likely she has kids and she's dying to show them to you!"

My relief couldn't of been measured when the magazine lowered exposing the bright smile of Jess. We exchanged salutations and we chatted as i continued to shop. "So you're coming home right?" She asked as we were approached the freezer food section.

"Nope, sorry, i gotta work," i said and nodded at the pretty woman that was handing out free samples of a flavor thing of Jose Curervo, which i was sure tasted like sugary poison.

"No you're not. You're coming home because we are making Jell-O shots," Her matter of fact voice as her default.

I thought about the fun possibilities there, but work was close and it'd be a real dick move to call in sick ten minutes before i had to be there. "Sorry, i really can't. Even though that does sound awesome."

"So we have berry and peach flavored vodka for tomorrow night, which juice would go best you think?" She lead me over to the cold case where the milk and OJ are stored.

Scanning the bottles i noted all the different kinds of OJ, orange with pineapple and peach, orange with mango, strawberry and papaya. "What the fuck happened with just fuckin' orange juice." i thought. "That one might be good with the peach vodka."

"Okay, that sounds good. Let's get that," she said, "And then bring it to the house. Oh and also pay for it. Well Bryan's waiting for me, so i gotta go. Bye."

Flabbergasted, i stared at her back, then shouted, "Wait, you can't boss me around we aren't dating!" She continued to wave as she rounded a corner and disappeared into an aisle. I looked over and saw the Jose Curervo woman looking at me, an expression of amusement on her face. "Woman," i said to her with an eye-roll. She nodded as to say, "Yeah, i know what you mean."

After i walked away i kinda laughed at myself, thinking how in real life shit like this is kinda funny, but i never laugh at it in movies, but i see other people laughing at all the time. Then i thought: my life is a movie that not even i would laugh at. I take great comfort in that.

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