Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The sleep of a hater

If it wasn't for the convenience of the Gregorian calender, there'd be no indication that Fall was here, the weather outside says that season is far, far away. It's bright, sunny, warm; even the trees in the backyard have no color on them. The nights are getting colder which is the only sign a new season is here, but the cold also leads to me having troubling dreams. I can't call them nightmares, they are too simplistic in their psychological attempts to bugger me. It makes me upset that the perfect shit storm of a sleeping brain movie is to set up a situation in where i put forth too much effort only to have it fall apart in the end. That is my nightmare, that is my fear.

Monsters use to roam my mind in the darkened hours of the day, but as i grew older my mind begin to fight back the phantoms that ruled there. My last monster dream was somewhere in my young teens, being chased and tired of running, i turned to face my pursuer, fighting my fear and the urine that wanted to soak my pants, i faced the monster head on; only to find there was no such beast. Just me running in a dream not getting anywhere. When i awoke i remembered the lesson of that sleep movie: there are no monsters that aren't human.

Which is now the newest theme my mind plagues me with on colder nights. It might seem odd to only have a certain part of the year where you know you're going to have troubling dreams, but i figured out why; in the summer it's always too hot to sleep, and even though i do get the amount of rest that i need i never fall deep enough to dream. This could be ridiculously false, but you have to admit it does sound like it rings true.

My figurative beast that troubled my sleep came into the from of a situation i loathe being in: infatuation. I met a girl in my dream (never seen her before in real life, after waking i realized she was a composite of several different women that i knew or had crushes on during Elementary and High School) we hung out at a party i went to, we conversed, we teased, we connected; i smiled, i laughed, i loathed. And i hated it because my dream self saw what was coming and when the collision of the happens were coming to a point i was going to get bowled over in the worst way. And because this was a nightmare, i had no way of fighting it, and sure enough i put effort into building a relationship with this phantom woman, and none of what i was doing offended her, in fact she welcomed the friendly advances to maybe move to something a little more serious. I saw the road, i saw the hurt and despoilment ahead, there was nothing to avoid it. The more we talked the more i became entrapped, and swooned. My mouth said words i wanted to believe, as my brain screamed to cut it out. She in turn expressed verbal interest; i agreed, we dated, i was happy, even with foreseeing that it wasn't going to end well.

And as predicable as any book written after 2008, the worst outcome came to fruition. The interest in her eyes for me died harder than Old Marley. Many of the details here are vague, but there was one point where i was sitting at her table in her apartment with three other guys and her. She was explaining to each of us why she dated us and why she was calling if off. The first man, who's name i do not know was told she enjoyed his outgoing nature and of course his in-shaped physic. The next one, who's name was David, was told she enjoyed his polite and intelligent way of speaking, that he was interesting and fun to be around and their sex was interesting as equally fun. At this point, i had a feeling i was going to be told the words "funny" and "genuine". All of the adventures i had with her beforehand were fantastic, i felt like i haven't in a number of years. I truly liked this girl, and everything for the past week leading up to this strange meeting was agony. When i first saw her disinterest the first thing i did when i got home was step into my room and i sank to the floor as slow as a ice statue in July. I curled there on the floor next to my bed and openly wept, the pain was so intense in my heart i couldn't stifle my sobs, they smashed out of my lungs and i wailed. But the next day i continued on with business as usual, as if i didn't notice her beginnings of dismissal. After she called things off, i once again broke down, but i couldn't get to my room, i did it right after i closed the door. (In the dream i lived alone.) So the meeting is underway and i'm remembering all this events; I'm keeping calm and i'm looking forward being told sweet things to soothe me before she dismisses me completely and i leave her apartment probably never to see her again. She turns toward me looks at me more deeply she had in the last two weeks and says, "You were just a replacement."

The sting in my heart is intense enough to blur my vision. "I wasn't important at all?" I ask knowing perfectly well that i wasn't. "No." she answers flatly. I stand, i apologize to her for not being more important and shake the hands of the other men and tell them goodbye, i leave. The sun is warm, the birds chirp, the bees buzz near open flowers, music plays from an unseen radio and i fall apart inside.

I woke up angry. Not at her, but at myself for being lead by the nose down that path. I knew better, and i still fell into another relationship with my heart on my sleeve. A practice i said i would never do again and haven't in eight years; in real life or dream sequence. But here it is bothering my sleep, performing a new nightmare to laugh at me with. But goddamn do i hate my mind when i sleep and intimate relationships in real life.

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