Saturday, July 27, 2013

Time repeats.

What is there for me to do? Finding myself once again living is a situation that is predicated on the fledgling feelings of two sporadic and seemingly none committed people, is not where i like to find myself. Do i hope them the best? Oh, that goes without question. Even with all i have said and or with all i have thought out loud; without love, what is the purpose of living? Sure, do i have a small disdain for things like "love" and "romance", you bet your ass i do, as far as i am concerned that shit is dead. And has been for a long time. Movies and hallmark cards have forever ruin the simple concept of love and have twisted it into this grotesque and unrecognizable creature AND that is the concept of love that i hate. I mean what ever happened to the idea of laying it bare and leaving it at that? What's with all the "saving" and always being there? Why does everyone ALWAYS need constant proof of such an strong emotion? Why don't simple words work anymore and why does it always have to be "proven"? I simply do not understand and it's fuckin' moronic.


That particular feeling of being left in the wind has taken over and i'm trouble by this. How much longer do i have before this crashes around my ears and i'm left smiling as my world falls apart around me and i once again lose to someone else's whims? I've done this so many times, and i've been hurt by it far too many times, and at the end all i can do is smile at once again i was right, and that pain-filled smirk squirms across my face and i'm left with the satisfaction of both being right and filled with hurt.

It makes me feel like a villain. A villain that has actually completed his plans to destroy the world; I have done what i set out to do, but by god what have i done? Being right and hurt by being right is one of the more agonizing sensations there is. I'll take being cheated on by the girl i love, i'll take being tortured for information that i don't have; hell i even take the gut-retching info the girl i love doesn't love me, over the sensation of being right and being hurt by it. Being right is suppose to feel good. But when it comes to this kind of shit i dislike it.

The feeling that my plans are in jeopardy is the worst. But i fear for a friend of what i know to be true will hurt him. The next few months will either suck as they did when i first moved out of my parents house and i lost all those good, and just, friends but managed to keep a few, and i had to rewrite my life to what i thought was the good life and i was left almost homeless and penny-less but at least in the end i was right. Hahahaha! But i'm not 22 anymore, it's been nearly ten years since then; my hope is that time does not repeat itself. That was a hurt-filled time, not something i wish to go back to. But by god how i was right all along and how it hurt so much.

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