It has been easily 10 years since the last time i felt jealous; of anything. Here i stand, sad and free and have that old demon squat on my shoulders. And i dont have any idea why he is back.
They aren't getting anything i have not experienced before, what they are expressing is not new to me, but my thoughts reflect that i wish for it again. To go through that emotional turmoil, to convey which i can not through words, but action. To tangle myself in another. To be free and bound.
I feel nauseous. It makes me nauseous. My god, i hate it. Have i not learned my lesson yet?
Can't i skip it? Can't this be past over?
I never get a second look. Just a bad, but fun-filled day. I smiled, i laughed, with everything i have, only to have it crash, and leave me with the pleasantness of a day well spent, and the sickness that i'm missing out on the important stuff.
Stuff, i gave up on; that i thought wasn't for me, that i thought i didnt need or want, but the brute of a sensation reminds me of what i cut off. The itch of a phantom limb.
Dislike fills me. I am suppose to not be this way, i ridicule those that have this reaction.
Fantastic, i am no better than they. The one and only thing i could hold up and say; the thing i was proud of; to find i am no better this one time. THIS one time, i am no better.
Have i really not learned my lesson? Can i not move on? i am continuously being forced to continue to go through this by those that don't romantically see me. Their selfishness stops my own selfishness.
The balance is off and the equivalent exchange is off by pounds, but i have to move; not forward just ahead. There is no destination for me in this. Just move along and just hope, and that is wearing very fuckin' thin.