Tuesday, March 27, 2012

it's that time

So after once again drinking and having talked to G about games and the de-evolution of creativity i can't help but feel him and i are the only ones that wish to save video games with our own sense of creativity and that we could save an industry that is slowly dying. I love video games, but even i feel American gaming companies are killing the very industry by caring less about creativity and more concerned about where their next dollar is coming from.

But games are a side project to my life. So after a month's worth of steering my life away from Sarah, i have finally come to a conclusion that i don't miss her. Which in some ways is sad, but there are only so much anyone can have conversations about how much anyone can dislike their mother. I mean, hell, even "Everyone Loves Raymond" only lasted for so many seasons. Don't get me wrong i still love the woman, but it has become that pity sorta of love one has for a battered puppy than a love formed by a man and a women; even if they are only friends. At this point, i'm getting ready to call it quits; i had dinner with her and that was fine, but i'm not a fan of people who capitalize on conversations on how bad their date was over the weekend. Our dinner only lasted for a little less than a hour and 45 minutes was spent of her telling me the faults of the man she volunteered to go on a date with. Half way through her horror stories, i raised my hand, in the national sign of "stop" and said, "Okay, girly, that date is over. You no longer have to relive it. Just be here with me." To which the people sitting behind us heard everything that was going on, because she doesn't seem to have any sense of volume, both giggled and praised me for being the type of man that's not going to be on a "date" to hear the horror story of another date. Of course they didn't say this to me directly and softly tried to speak to each other.

I never thought that such a thing needed praising, but as i get older, the more i see halfway decent men acting like beating puppies just to get some (even though i dislike using this word) pussy; the more i'm less inclined to try for the honey-pots of women and people seem to like this about me. I mean, yes, i'm not the best looking guy on the block, hell on a scale from 1 to 10 i rank a 3, and even though the old saying is "beggars shouldn't be choosers", but i can tell you, i choose not to beg for it. I don't care how gorgeous a women is, if she's a straight up bitch i seriously can't talk to her and i can't make myself believe she's hot.

A co-worker of Mike's, i'll leave her name out because i don't wish to shame her in anyway; was easily the most gorgeous Spanish women i have ever seen and on top of that she was always super sweet and nice to me. But part of me always believed she was nice to me because she understood that i thought she was good looking. One day during a conversation i was having with one of her co-workers she walked in between me and the person i was talking to and said "hi" as if we were he greatest of friend, and i looked at her and said, "Too much makeup." And then continued my conversation with the other person as if she wasn't there. She was apparently upset by my attitude and brought it up to me one day much later. She was polite about the whole thing and said, "So why were you so rude to me (about the day in question)?" And i answered her honestly; "i think you felt it was okay to interrupt a conversation i was having because you think i believe you are hot. And don't get me wrong you are gorgeous, but that gives you no right to be rudely interrupt me when i'm fuckin' talking. If you want to talk to me and i'm currently in the middle of a conversation, wait your frickin' turn."

I found later when Mike was hitting on her and said that she would date him in a second, she answered (i believe she answered ironically and was only trying to piss off Mike) "Sorry, Mike, but i'd date a real man, like William." I doubt she meant a word of this and was only trying to get under Mike's skin, but i have to say this made me feel a small bit of pride. Like there are still people out there that can still deal with plain and brutal honesty.

It's one of my greatest faults and many have spoken down to my honesty when it comes to women, but the more girls i meet the more that say, i wish a men were more honest and the more i'm honest the more they say they could meet a nice guy. And the more i hear girls say that the more i laugh in their face.

My old roommate Stephanie once said, "I wish i could just once date a man that's a nice guy."

To which i answered: "There are plenty of nice guys out there. But most nice guys are not good looking and let's face it you don't date ugly." And i'm a double whammy, not only am i not that good looking, but i don't bother to be a nice guy. I've played the nice guy role for years and years, the only thing it ever got me was single and many people asking me if i was gay. As soon as i stopping being nice no one asked if i was gay.

So be an asshole and have people think you're straight and be hated by most girls for being mean, or be nice and be mistaken for being a homosexual. Jesus Christ, do i dislike relationships. But i think my dad said it best once he learned i was doing P90-X; "Don't worry, Bill, once all the weight is off it doesn't matter how you act, when you're good looking by the majorities standards everything you do will be endearing. But do yourself a favor, don't you change one fuckin' bit. Be the muscular guy that still reads and plays video games, if you stay on that path, you'll find a girl worthwhile."

And i'm inclined to believe him, he used to be on the swim team, i've seen pics of him when he was my age he was a very fit man, i mean muscles for days and he has always been a nerd at heart and his (second) marriage has lasted him a goodly amount of time. Which in someways is reassuring, but i still can't help but feel that i'm just not meant to be in a relationship. Even more so now, that i feel that i'll be moving in like 2 to 3 years to a totally different country.

So once again, i'll be putting my life on hold before anything of any sort of relationship nature happens. No one right now wants to date my ass, but in the future when i'm getting ready to be ready to move i'll have to say, "Sorry, but i'll be leaving in a little while. I can't shackle myself down before i'm going." Which i think is just a sad excuse for me to make to myself to feel better about being single. I mean, even as drunk and shit faced as i am at this moment, if any women i saw as halfway decent (meaning she's awesome, and intelligent, who gives a shit what she looks like) said she'd like to date me, there's no way i'd say "No." Unless i was a total moron, in which case i probably would.

Sometimes, i believe being a moron will one day save my life as i'm doing something stupid.

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