Monday, April 2, 2012

The rhyme doesn't match.

So i'm off of work again, and i've been drinking ever since; give or take some minutes it's been about an hour and 45 minutes i've been off work and took my first sip, i know what takes me to get shitfaced and holy damn have i impressed myself with how quickly i got myself drunk.

The words: "some people like to make life a little tougher than it is" keeps ringing in my head, as i once again skated through another week just working and doing my lame little projects. But my one saving grace has been my conversations with a women that i'm sure i've met before but i can not for the life of me place when and where. Every time i try to think if i have met her, it all feels like a haze dream that could be fake or real.

But I have to say G has been in excellent spirits this week, he's been talking a lot more and only a little worries about the future, i've noticed when we talk he's been smiling a lot more and it seems genuine these days; every time i see it i want to cry a little at the progress that he's made in just the last two months. In someways i can't but help that he's a much stronger man than me at heart. He crawled his way out of his bottomless pit of self doubt, pity, and real mental anguish. It makes me wonder if i could do the same. I know plenty of people have said that i could, but it feels like i only managed to pull myself out because i didn't care in the first place. Most, if not all, my relationships i expect to end at sometime or another. So when they do end, my second thought after "oh man, this hurts like hell" is: "it was inevitable anyway." It takes some time and i let it go. Part of me questions if i even loved those girls that i shrugged off after they broke up with me. i think i did, that i really did love them, even in my own little naive sort of way.

But the conversations i've been having this week, with a particular lovely women, have opened my mind to the possibly that i can once again understand the real fun me that i use to love. i look forward to every time we get to have a conversation (even though it's mostly through text messaging) but i dont care, i feel like the fun version of me i thought was dead a long time ago is making his way back. Plus, her quick wit and intelligence makes me smile and giggle; she has a real "no nonsense" feel about her that i just love. I feel comfortable speaking my mind, even though for now, i'm easing into introducing myself; meaning i'm still kinda not swearing as much as i usually do when talk to someone like either Irene or Sarah. But i feel it wont be too much time before i can skip on some of my politeness and just let my voice come through, but i want her to hear my real voice to before i really just let it go. i dont hold back because of some fear or that i dont think she could take it, it's just my small hatred for text message. Conversations are 70% tone and if the other person doesn't really know how you sound for even half of the percent, most get the feeling you're being sarcastic these days, and i dont want my words to be misconstrued.

But for the most part i really enjoy this woman's company and i enjoy the person i feel around those conversations, which is a pretty rare gem indeed.

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