The Nocturnal Repose Retenchment

Sleep once again leaves me to be open and alert. I had almost reached the warm, dark shore of sleep; a wave of memories and instances pushed me back to the sand and here i stand awake and dreaming of sleep.

The last two weeks i've been battling my night-owlish tendencies  but it has been a terrible and ill-wrought war. Tonight i might, if i can find enough activities to help my mind stay alert enough, stay awake until night falls again. But i think once the sun smiles on my window my mind will cease it's childish tamper tantrum to stay awake.

I really am kind tired.

The Missing Observation

It's been odd the things i've noticed about this place that differ than my old home in California, for one not many planes fly over my house. In CA it seemed every morning (or in my case of being a night-owl, early afternoon) when i stepped outside to get some fresh air or, when i still smoked, get some not so fresh air, i could always count on seeing lines of vapor trails left from aircraft no longer there. One of the biggest is no one here during the day leaves their garage open as they work a project and have classic rock music blaring from their radio; maybe this might change when the weather warms up a little more. But for now it's just such a small thing but i noticed it when i left the door open to let some air out when it was nice the other day and i was met with human silence and greeted by natures noise; birds singing and the hollow sound of wind in my ears. I'm not sure if i miss it or i just noticed the obscene of it.

One thing that does bother me is my music. Everyone song that i have on my playlist is nearly a small reminder of my time in California. My The Rentals album has always reminded me of San Jose and going to visit Aaron M. My Nujabes playlist recalls my time when i first got the albums back living with Mike, Telly and Icarus. And of course my Samurai Champloo soundtrack has major hints to Irene, the Kia driving to work and Genesis.

I'm not lonely yet, i'm trying my best to keep such an emotion at bay, but i've just been noticing the things that are missing and/or different.

I've also started my class for my English Certificate, so far after my first quiz i'm averaging a C+. God, i'm such a terrible tester.

Relocation.

It's nearly been a week since i left California for my new home in Virginia; and so far nothing feels completely out of place. Which in a way saddens me more than if it felt there were pieces of me missing. I was fully expecting for the first few days to feel excitement mixed with that special kind of loneliness that comes from leaving your home. But that never happened. To me it still feels as if all my friends are living down the street but are currently too busy to come by and say hi, as hard, and weird as it is for me to say, but, i don't miss anything.

There is no loneliness  Only wonderment of when the next part of this journey begins and i'll be making one of these entries from under a Japanese rain storm.

I'm sure that my heart will ache for my friends that i expected it to during my first week. But for now my mind is too busy trying to remember the roads to where the stores are, restaurants, the bar and video game outlet. Not to mention getting my room set up to where i like it and cleaning everything. I've never viewed myself as a "clean-freak" but after the amount of deep cleaning i did in the bathroom, i'm starting to believe a part of me might in some small sense be in fact a person in this category.

But for now, sleep must come; i have a day of job hunting tomorrow.

further advancements on how i'm not funny

Maybe it's all the TV and movies i watch but i always knew that those "only funny in real life, but not really in TV" finally happened to me. For an example of "Only funny in real life" or "OFRL": people talking in unison, or someone shouting at a door after someone has slammed it in their face. My little experience falls into the latter of the examples.

Jessica, or Jess as her moniker from Bryan, is a friend of the said person; and rapidly approaching close acquaintance in my case, is a short, feisty woman of, i'm guessing, 27; in this case feisty falls into the closer association of "bossy", but falls much closer to assertive and/or strong willed. In Jess's case i'm willing to over look this quirk because i don't necessarily dislike her for it. It could be because she actually enjoys my odd company, and even though she can be intimidating in that motherly kind of way, i don't really shy from her. But more than likely it's that odd blend of assertiveness and beauty that i don't automatically write her of; actually it's because she bosses Bryan around and doesn't take any of his guff (a word i dislike, but in this case, Bryan doesn't really shell out "shit" but more of "guff"). There is a soft spot in me for women who have a no nonsense feel about them.

I digress.

While at the grocery store buying my lunch for work someone walked up behind me and slapped me with something on my shoulder, when i turned to look my attacker was holding a magazine in front of their face so i could not see. And my instant judgement of the assailant said, "Female, 5'5" or 5'6", mid 20's, sharp dresser, buxom, comfy boots" then my brain shouted "You don't know her! Run! She's probably someone you went to high school with! And now you'll have to have a the small talk about what you guys are doing now and more than likely she has kids and she's dying to show them to you!"

My relief couldn't of been measured when the magazine lowered exposing the bright smile of Jess. We exchanged salutations and we chatted as i continued to shop. "So you're coming home right?" She asked as we were approached the freezer food section.

"Nope, sorry, i gotta work," i said and nodded at the pretty woman that was handing out free samples of a flavor thing of Jose Curervo, which i was sure tasted like sugary poison.

"No you're not. You're coming home because we are making Jell-O shots," Her matter of fact voice as her default.

I thought about the fun possibilities there, but work was close and it'd be a real dick move to call in sick ten minutes before i had to be there. "Sorry, i really can't. Even though that does sound awesome."

"So we have berry and peach flavored vodka for tomorrow night, which juice would go best you think?" She lead me over to the cold case where the milk and OJ are stored.

Scanning the bottles i noted all the different kinds of OJ, orange with pineapple and peach, orange with mango, strawberry and papaya. "What the fuck happened with just fuckin' orange juice." i thought. "That one might be good with the peach vodka."

"Okay, that sounds good. Let's get that," she said, "And then bring it to the house. Oh and also pay for it. Well Bryan's waiting for me, so i gotta go. Bye."

Flabbergasted, i stared at her back, then shouted, "Wait, you can't boss me around we aren't dating!" She continued to wave as she rounded a corner and disappeared into an aisle. I looked over and saw the Jose Curervo woman looking at me, an expression of amusement on her face. "Woman," i said to her with an eye-roll. She nodded as to say, "Yeah, i know what you mean."

After i walked away i kinda laughed at myself, thinking how in real life shit like this is kinda funny, but i never laugh at it in movies, but i see other people laughing at all the time. Then i thought: my life is a movie that not even i would laugh at. I take great comfort in that.

The sleep of a hater

If it wasn't for the convenience of the Gregorian calender, there'd be no indication that Fall was here, the weather outside says that season is far, far away. It's bright, sunny, warm; even the trees in the backyard have no color on them. The nights are getting colder which is the only sign a new season is here, but the cold also leads to me having troubling dreams. I can't call them nightmares, they are too simplistic in their psychological attempts to bugger me. It makes me upset that the perfect shit storm of a sleeping brain movie is to set up a situation in where i put forth too much effort only to have it fall apart in the end. That is my nightmare, that is my fear.

Monsters use to roam my mind in the darkened hours of the day, but as i grew older my mind begin to fight back the phantoms that ruled there. My last monster dream was somewhere in my young teens, being chased and tired of running, i turned to face my pursuer, fighting my fear and the urine that wanted to soak my pants, i faced the monster head on; only to find there was no such beast. Just me running in a dream not getting anywhere. When i awoke i remembered the lesson of that sleep movie: there are no monsters that aren't human.

Which is now the newest theme my mind plagues me with on colder nights. It might seem odd to only have a certain part of the year where you know you're going to have troubling dreams, but i figured out why; in the summer it's always too hot to sleep, and even though i do get the amount of rest that i need i never fall deep enough to dream. This could be ridiculously false, but you have to admit it does sound like it rings true.

My figurative beast that troubled my sleep came into the from of a situation i loathe being in: infatuation. I met a girl in my dream (never seen her before in real life, after waking i realized she was a composite of several different women that i knew or had crushes on during Elementary and High School) we hung out at a party i went to, we conversed, we teased, we connected; i smiled, i laughed, i loathed. And i hated it because my dream self saw what was coming and when the collision of the happens were coming to a point i was going to get bowled over in the worst way. And because this was a nightmare, i had no way of fighting it, and sure enough i put effort into building a relationship with this phantom woman, and none of what i was doing offended her, in fact she welcomed the friendly advances to maybe move to something a little more serious. I saw the road, i saw the hurt and despoilment ahead, there was nothing to avoid it. The more we talked the more i became entrapped, and swooned. My mouth said words i wanted to believe, as my brain screamed to cut it out. She in turn expressed verbal interest; i agreed, we dated, i was happy, even with foreseeing that it wasn't going to end well.

And as predicable as any book written after 2008, the worst outcome came to fruition. The interest in her eyes for me died harder than Old Marley. Many of the details here are vague, but there was one point where i was sitting at her table in her apartment with three other guys and her. She was explaining to each of us why she dated us and why she was calling if off. The first man, who's name i do not know was told she enjoyed his outgoing nature and of course his in-shaped physic. The next one, who's name was David, was told she enjoyed his polite and intelligent way of speaking, that he was interesting and fun to be around and their sex was interesting as equally fun. At this point, i had a feeling i was going to be told the words "funny" and "genuine". All of the adventures i had with her beforehand were fantastic, i felt like i haven't in a number of years. I truly liked this girl, and everything for the past week leading up to this strange meeting was agony. When i first saw her disinterest the first thing i did when i got home was step into my room and i sank to the floor as slow as a ice statue in July. I curled there on the floor next to my bed and openly wept, the pain was so intense in my heart i couldn't stifle my sobs, they smashed out of my lungs and i wailed. But the next day i continued on with business as usual, as if i didn't notice her beginnings of dismissal. After she called things off, i once again broke down, but i couldn't get to my room, i did it right after i closed the door. (In the dream i lived alone.) So the meeting is underway and i'm remembering all this events; I'm keeping calm and i'm looking forward being told sweet things to soothe me before she dismisses me completely and i leave her apartment probably never to see her again. She turns toward me looks at me more deeply she had in the last two weeks and says, "You were just a replacement."

The sting in my heart is intense enough to blur my vision. "I wasn't important at all?" I ask knowing perfectly well that i wasn't. "No." she answers flatly. I stand, i apologize to her for not being more important and shake the hands of the other men and tell them goodbye, i leave. The sun is warm, the birds chirp, the bees buzz near open flowers, music plays from an unseen radio and i fall apart inside.

I woke up angry. Not at her, but at myself for being lead by the nose down that path. I knew better, and i still fell into another relationship with my heart on my sleeve. A practice i said i would never do again and haven't in eight years; in real life or dream sequence. But here it is bothering my sleep, performing a new nightmare to laugh at me with. But goddamn do i hate my mind when i sleep and intimate relationships in real life.

Then the morning came.

Had a dream where a gal pal of mine were having an argument, which means she was mad at me and i just nodded at her silly anger and went about what i wanted to do; at a party in my house. When her illogical anger showed so sign of baiting me into a rebuttal; she started with calling names and saying things that were suppose to hurt my feelings, a trick all women do when they run out of options. When nothing was going to work and she started in on the deeper name calling, which was working, i turned very slowly, stared at her and said, "I got way more ammo in my back pocket on this, then you do me. I highly recommend that you cut it out, go take a walk or something and come back when we have both cooled off."

She screamed, "NO!" into my face. So with a blank expression i spoke a sentence (dont ask me what it was, i don't remember) and tears welled up in her eyes. She sank to the floor on her knees and covered her face with both hands and she bawled into her palms.

Everyone at the party turned to look, i stared down at her and when she looked up at me; with that same blank expression i said, "Next time, take my advise and cool down. Or next time i wont hold back. So get up, go home and go fuck yourself."

I woke up strangely mad, refreshed and had a burning need to call said gal pal and apologize. Today is going to be interesting.

A new age and it's plan

After a brief stay in Virginia i've come to the conclusion i may not be fit for flying, but i'm for sure that i'm meant for travel. Which makes me want to go to Japan even more, and even though the plan to get there has changed drastically since last i've come here to write, my chances have taken a positive curve upward, it saddens me that it's still only a 60-70% chance. But that's far better than the route i was going and only having it a near 5% chance.

Ness and Irene have begin preparations for their divorce and in that wake Ness plans to throw his life in the states away and escape from his ill begotten life that has developed in Virginia. He's explained the situation to me half a dozen times and each time the image he paints gets a little clearer on how getting to Japan is going to work, however his usage of Navy lingo had me blinking at him in confusion; so after thinking about it, i came up with the perfect analogy. The ship that is going to dock in Japan is coming after deployment, so it's like school and docking is the beginning of summer. Well that means summer school is about to start and some of the teachers want their time off, so Ness wishes to transfer to that ship and be a summer school teacher, so to speak, but they still have to get his resume and see if he want him.

It's a crappy analogy, but boiled down to brass tacks it works so damn perfectly. So Ness wishes to leave as soon as he can to Japan and he wishes for me to go with him, and as much as it pains me to quote the cliche line: it's an offer i couldn't refuse. And if Ness is accepted to work on the ship i may be leaving for Japan as soon as January. The worst part is he wont know if he got the job until like October, November or even December. Which doesn't sound like a long wait, but when it's about a life changing answer, even a week is a life time. Another small bump in the road to Japan is if Ness does get the job on the ship and has to go on deployment as soon as he gets there, i'll have to wait longer to get to Japan, luckily and hopefully that waiting will be done with me in Virginia. So this way when he gets back into Japan and give me the thumbs up to come along i can put my stuff with in his and it'll be shipped to our apartment there.

While i'm optimistic about this plan, i still have glaring doubts that this will work out and that's mostly due to the fact that i want this to happen so damn bad. And if life in the past 10 years has taught me anything, is that the things i truly coven never come to fruition. So for now i'll just have to do what i can do, and that's just sit back and wait for my life to begin.